Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Psycho Shower Scene

This episode of This Is What I Live With took place in front of a live audience at the Sydney Writers' Festival.
JV: Yes, over here, what's your name?
Sandra: I'm Sandra.
JV: Hello Sandra.
Sandra: I may be divorced by the end of this.
JV: Right.
Sandra: My dear husband does what I refer to as ‘the slap dance’ in the shower.
JV: The slap dance? Okay, what is the shower slap dance?
Sandra: Well it’s a bit like Morris dancing in a cubicle I guess.
*audience laughs*
JV: Oh, so he’s in the shower slapping his thighs.
Sandra: In the shower humming *slaps her thighs in demonstration*
JV: Well that sounds like a very happy moment.
Sandra: Mmhmm.
JV: Why do you find it irritating?
Sandra: Well, we’re trying to economise on the water we use in the shower...
JV: Right.
Sandra: ...and a 20 minute dance doesn’t help.
JV: No. So it’s 20 minutes worth of dancing. Is it also loud and intrusive?
Sandra: I can hear it from anywhere in the house.
JV: Anywhere in the house? A daily occurrence?
Sandra: Oh yeah!
JV: Every shower has the slap dance?
Sandra: Every shower!
JV: Well look, oddly enough dear husband is here with us. Hello dear husband!
*audience applauds*
JV: Hello, what’s your name?
Fred: Fred.
JV: Hello Fred.
Fred: How dare she! A man’s time in the shower is a personal private moment.
JV: That’s what I would’ve thought.
Fred: It’s where we contemplate the big ideas of the day and work out how we’re going to proceed with tomorrow.
JV: Mm and the slap dance helps with that?
Fred: There’s no dancing. I’m a latent drummer. The only skin I’ve got is on my thighs.
JV: Right...okay.
Fred: So I tap them out and I tap my little tunes and so forth.
JV: That sounds lovely.
Fred: Yes.
JV: So, in your mind, what are you doing? She’s seeing it as sort of a soggy Morris dance. What are you doing?
Fred: I’m getting myself in a good mood to face her again.
*audience erupts*
JV: Musically you’re a latent drummer so what sort of thing...are you doing a Morris dance there or what?
Fred: Well I’m just doing a... *slaps his legs* ...That sort of thing.
JV: Bit of a rhythm. Bit of a groove.
Fred: I didn’t plan to share this with you all here this afternoon.
JV: No, but we’re very glad that you did. Is it 20 minutes?
Fred: No...No...Just until the hot water runs out.
JV: Yeah, well that’s alright. Now, were you aware that Sandra wasn’t happy with the soggy Morris dance?
Fred: Oh she tells me about it frequently but how can she hear me from downstairs in the kitchen? She’s supposed to be cooking the dinner.
JV: Yeah exactly. Why isn’t she concentrating on what she’s doing instead of worrying about what you’re up to? Sandra, now that you’ve heard that Fred does this in order to fill his day with joy, it’s one of the few pleasures left to him, and in order that he can face you again, do you want him to stop?
*audience laughs*
JV: Right, you do want him to stop? You’d like him to stop doing it?
Sandra: Well I would actually, yeah, but I don’t think it’s going to happen.
JV: Fred, you’re aware now that Sandra finds this enormously irritating. Can you stop?
Fred: Well it puts a bit of difference between us and we’re at arm’s length for a little while but we make up rather specially.
JV: Oh! Well, we might leave you at that point. I don’t know that we need to follow the making up but Fred and Sandra thank you so much. Thank you for sharing that in absolutely riveting detail.

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