To The Guest Room Please

*This episode of This Is What I Live With was presented by Dominic Knight.

Chris: Hi Dom, I’ve come to rescue everyone from Michael Buble.

DK: You are too kind. What is it that you live with at your place?

Chris: Well I was astonished when I first met my husband and we started going out. I’d never visited my sisters-in-law - he’s got three sisters - and we trekked up to visit and for him to introduce me, and he promptly went into another room and fell asleep. Apparently this is his habit. He goes to visit people and then he asks for a bed and falls asleep.

DK: So actually in a bed?

Chris: Oh yeah.

DK: Just in the hope that they have a spare room? Does he use their room if they don’t have a spare room?

Chris: Yeah and he did a similar thing when he first went to visit my parents a few months later. He promptly went upstairs and went to sleep.

DK: So at what stage in proceedings does this occur Chris? Is this like half an hour into the meal? Is it before dessert is served? How does it work?

Chris: Oh no, he doesn’t attend the meal.

DK: Oh really?

Chris: No, he just goes to sleep. He’s done his duty by being the chauffeur and then he just falls asleep.

DK: So it’s just a sleeping visit and that’s it? Does he do this on holidays as well? ‘Hello Thailand, where’s the bed?’

Chris: Yeah that’s right. Also, if the cricket’s on, it’s the cricket and the bed.

DK: I knew I loved this segment Chris. So...does he then sleep until it’s time to drive home again?

Chris: Usually the pattern is that about 20 minutes before departure he’ll surface and make a few sarcastic comments and then we go.

DK: How extraordinary. So, the first time this happened, what was going through your head? Were you wondering exactly how long he was going to sleep for?

Chris: Well I was completely flummoxed but then his sisters said ‘oh he does that all the time, that’s just John, don’t worry about it.’

DK: He’s just the sleep guy.

Chris: Yeah!

Spare the Sponges

 

JV: What do you live with John?

John: Well my lovely wife has a sponge...I don’t want to call it a fetish but...when she goes to the grocery store she brings back a dozen or more sponges each time. You know the thin ones that are in the pack? There’s a green, a red, a yellow and a blue.

JV: Mm.

John: So she’ll bring bunches of those home and store them underneath the sink. That’s fine, but she has a different purpose she wants me to use each one for and she has a chart above the sink to tell me which items I’m allowed to clean up with which sponge. She’s laminated it.

JV: Wow. There’s a laminated chart referring to ‘red sponge = kitchen bench.’

John: Well, yeah. Red sponge = benches and tables.

JV: That does seem extreme to me.

John: Kitchen floors is blue.

JV: Yeah.

John: Hands and face is yellow.

JV: Gee. How long do these sponges last? Are they changed every week?

John: Well, I’ll use them two, three, maybe eight times and she’ll do the opposite. She’ll see there’s a bit of discolouration, throw it out, and there’s a brand new one. Especially with the green, which is bathroom surfaces. They don’t last long at all.

JV: And have you tried to talk about the overuse of sponge? The pressure on the sponge population of the world?

John: Well that’s it! I think we’re using more than our share, in this age of share it round, because you can’t donate them y’know? No one will take the ones you’ve used.

JV: I think we’re just talking landfill. Do they degrade quickly? I don’t know.

John: That’s a good point. And what are you actually throwing in landfill with them? What’s caught up in all that sponge that I would normally have just rinsed out?

JV: How much trouble do you get into when you use wrong sponge on wrong surface?

John: (laughs) A short, sharp look. It’s a stern one.

JV: Oh, I hate that look.

John: And maybe an uh-uh-uh-uh!

JV: Oh you get the uh-uh-uh!

John: It’ll stop you in your tracks and then you’ll slowly put that one down. Step away from the yellow sponge and grab the red one.

JV: Wow. John, are there children subjected to this regime?

John: Well, yes, but they get a little bit of leeway. As they get older they’re going to be under the same regime as I am and I don’t see why not, if I have to do it.

JV: Exactly. It’ll be one of the first things that they learn. I’m hoping at show and tell they’ll take the full range of sponges in.

John: And a copy of the chart! Which I’m about to post on your Facebook.

JV: If you would. Thank you.

Smothering the Salad

JV: Francis, what do you live with?

Francis: My partner over-dresses the salad.

JV: Over-dresses the salad?

Francis: Yes. He has a big pot of salad dressing that his mother made him and he overdresses the salad with it. So much so, that there’s about a quarter of a cup of salad dressing on the bottom of the bowl every night.

JV: That does sound too much, doesn’t it?

Francis: It is too much! I don’t know what to do about it.

JV: Do we need to unpack the issue that the mother is making the salad dressing and bringing it over?

Francis: Well I think it was because he was complaining that I wasn’t making a lot of salad dressing. But I knew if I made a lot, it’d all go on there so I just make a tablespoon at a time.

JV: Right. Does he put a lot on the salad and then consume a lot?

Francis: Yes.

JV: Does he try to get as much dressing as he can?

Francis: Yes, he does.

JV: Right, so he likes dressing.

Francis: He loves dressing. He loves it.

JV: What kind of salad dressing is it?

Francis: It’s a balsamic vinegar. Just olive oil with some balsamic, salt and pepper, and garlic.

JV: Could there be a two bowl solution here?

Francis: We’ll we’ve implemented a system where I have to take my leaves out first, put a little bit on, and then he drowns the rest of it. Whereas, I think it could maybe be the reverse.

JV: Well what about plate dressing instead of bowl dressing?

Francis: There’s too much dressing.

JV: But I mean what about dressing the salad when it’s on the plate rather than when it’s in the bowl.

Francis: I don’t know, we haven’t actually tried that method.

JV: You could try that. Serve yourself leaves and then dress to taste.

Francis: That sounds like an easy solution. I don’t know why we haven’t thought of that one.

JV: See I love this. I may be bringing some peace to your household Francis.

Francis: You could well be. It makes me hope for the dead of winter when there’s no salad so something needs to change.

Warmth Wanted

JV: Hello there Paul, what do you live with?

Paul: Good afternoon James. My wife is very cold blooded. She’s got cold hands, a cold nose, cold feet, and when she hops into bed I’m the complete opposite. I’ve got warm feet, warm hands, and she’s always wanting to nick my warmth. It’s a case of...well I’ll share it a little bit but I don’t want to get freezing cold by her taking all my warmth.

JV: Wow. So she can actually suck the warmth out of you?

Paul: Just about...and I worked hard to get that warmth y’know?

JV: I would have thought the warmth would be constantly replenished. You know, that you’d be a warmth generator.

Paul: Yeah well I feel like I’ve got to do that at times just to balance her coldness. I’ll often put the electric blanket on, just on her side of the bed, to try and warm up that side but that’s still not enough. She’s still wanting my warmth.

JV: Right so it’s the extremities, it’s circulation and these freezing cold hands...they creep around you?

Paul: Yeah they creep around me and it’s like a block of ice coming onto you. Like, her feet are coming out of ugg boots so they’re coming out of a warm boot but she’s just got poor circulation.

JV: Have you tried the onesie?

Paul: What’s a onesie?

JV: It’s basically baby clothes, like when a baby’s just in the one thing with feet all enclosed.

Paul: Yeah?

JV: You can get them in adult sizes now.

Paul: Ah! I might investigate that. I’m happy to investigate anything.

JV: Well the onesie could be the trick there. Otherwise, is it not affectionate?

Paul: Oh it’s affectionate. We cuddle and everything in bed but I usually wait until she’s a little bit warmed up because it’s not all that exciting when you’re touching a block of ice.

We've got you pegged

JV: Natalie, what do you live with?

Natalie:  I live with a husband who hangs the clothes out for me, which is lovely, but he must colour co-ordinate the peg with the item of clothing he is hanging up.

JV: Yes...

Natalie: So much so that when Aldi put out some pegs that were pink and green, he was very excited about that.

*audience laughs*

JV: What had been his solution before if he had to put up pink or green clothes?

Natalie: He’d get close, he’d put up red pegs, green would have blue pegs.

JV: This isn’t uncommon Natalie. The various hanging out clothes habits are the colour coordinating pegs to clothes; there are those who have to put the sheets on the outside, working back to underwear in the middle if they have the hills hoist type line; there are those who can only use the one colour peg, all the pegs have to be red for example. So there are a few who have these issues.

Natalie: He tells me I shouldn't iron clothes... that I spend too much time ironing clothes, but I wonder how much time is spent choosing the right colour peg?

JV: Oh right, yeah... I don’t know, I like to imagine he has like a tool kit that he hangs with the pegs already sorted ready to go.

Natalie: No, he has to search for the peg. Finding the right colour peg takes time.

The Parrot Sketch

JV: What do you live with Linda?

Linda: Well, I live with one of the two partners that I started with.

JV: Sorry say that again?

Linda: I live with one of the two partners that I started with.

JV: One of the two partners that I started with...Gee, I’m intrigued.

Linda: Yeah.

JV: On you go...

Linda: One of them was male...I mean human...and the other is a male parrot.

JV: So you began with a male human and a male parrot?

Linda: yes, and the sort of fed off one another. In the beginning, the male human came with a childish habit of eating corn flakes in the same bowl, with the same spoon, at the same rapid speed, with the same loud crunching and that was just something he had to eat whenever he was hungry.

JV: So that was like all day eating corn flakes? Whenever he was hungry?

Linda: Well usually when I wasn’t there to make food, but I went away and left the parrot and the male together and when I came back the parrot had some new repertoire in his vocabulary.

JV: What sort of things was he saying?

Linda: Well it wasn’t what he was saying. It was a crunch...crunch...crunch.

JV: The sound of crunching corn flakes? So you had your male human on one side with an actual bowl of corn flakes and then a parrot doing an impression of a bowl of corn flakes?

Linda:  Yeah and I thought ‘how did Schmee learn to crunch corn flakes?’ And I looked and him and said ‘you would bring Schmee next to you every time you had corn flakes wouldn’t you?’ and he said ‘yes.’

JV: Yeah.

Linda: That was how it got passed on.

JV: I see.

Linda: That was just one of many.

JV: Um...Can I ask which one remains with you to this day? Parrot or male?

Linda: The parrot is far more faithful.

Psycho Shower Scene

This episode of This Is What I Live With took place in front of a live audience at the Sydney Writers' Festival.

 

JV: Yes, over here, what's your name?

Sandra: I'm Sandra.

JV: Hello Sandra.

Sandra: I may be divorced by the end of this.

JV: Right.

Sandra: My dear husband does what I refer to as ‘the slap dance’ in the shower.

JV: The slap dance? Okay, what is the shower slap dance?

Sandra: Well it’s a bit like Morris dancing in a cubicle I guess.

*audience laughs*

JV: Oh, so he’s in the shower slapping his thighs.

Sandra: In the shower humming *slaps her thighs in demonstration*

JV: Well that sounds like a very happy moment.

Sandra: Mmhmm.

JV: Why do you find it irritating?

Sandra: Well, we’re trying to economise on the water we use in the shower...

JV: Right.

Sandra: ...and a 20 minute dance doesn’t help.

JV: No. So it’s 20 minutes worth of dancing. Is it also loud and intrusive?

Sandra: I can hear it from anywhere in the house.

JV: Anywhere in the house? A daily occurrence?

Sandra: Oh yeah!

JV: Every shower has the slap dance?

Sandra: Every shower!

JV: Well look, oddly enough dear husband is here with us. Hello dear husband!

*audience applauds*

JV: Hello, what’s your name?

Fred: Fred.

JV: Hello Fred.

Fred: How dare she! A man’s time in the shower is a personal private moment.

JV: That’s what I would’ve thought.

Fred: It’s where we contemplate the big ideas of the day and work out how we’re going to proceed with tomorrow.

JV: Mm and the slap dance helps with that?

Fred: There’s no dancing. I’m a latent drummer. The only skin I’ve got is on my thighs.

JV: Right...okay.

Fred: So I tap them out and I tap my little tunes and so forth.

JV: That sounds lovely.

Fred: Yes.

JV: So, in your mind, what are you doing? She’s seeing it as sort of a soggy Morris dance. What are you doing?

Fred: I’m getting myself in a good mood to face her again.

*audience erupts*

JV: Musically you’re a latent drummer so what sort of thing...are you doing a Morris dance there or what?

Fred: Well I’m just doing a... *slaps his legs* ...That sort of thing.

JV: Bit of a rhythm. Bit of a groove.

Fred: I didn’t plan to share this with you all here this afternoon.

JV: No, but we’re very glad that you did. Is it 20 minutes?

Fred: No...No...Just until the hot water runs out.

JV: Yeah, well that’s alright. Now, were you aware that Sandra wasn’t happy with the soggy Morris dance?

Fred: Oh she tells me about it frequently but how can she hear me from downstairs in the kitchen? She’s supposed to be cooking the dinner.

JV: Yeah exactly. Why isn’t she concentrating on what she’s doing instead of worrying about what you’re up to? Sandra, now that you’ve heard that Fred does this in order to fill his day with joy, it’s one of the few pleasures left to him, and in order that he can face you again, do you want him to stop?

Sandra: Oh...my...God...

*audience laughs*

JV: Right, you do want him to stop? You’d like him to stop doing it?

Sandra: Well I would actually, yeah, but I don’t think it’s going to happen.

JV: Fred, you’re aware now that Sandra finds this enormously irritating. Can you stop?

Fred: Well it puts a bit of difference between us and we’re at arm’s length for a little while but we make up rather specially.

JV: Oh! Well, we might leave you at that point. I don’t know that we need to follow the making up but Fred and Sandra thank you so much. Thank you for sharing that in absolutely riveting detail.