Doggy Bag

JV: What do you live with Francis?

Francis: I live with the most annoying husband who, whenever we go for dinner, we’ve got to come home with something that has meat in it – a little bit wrapped up in a serviette – for an overweight jack russel.

JV: (laughs)

Francis: It could be a burger. It could be a bit of ham out of your sandwich or a little bit of chicken off my dinner. The jack russel waits at the laundry door.

JV: So it’s literally a doggy bag

Francis: A doggy bag for a dog, but it has to go into my handbag.

JV: And it’s every single time you go out?

Francis: Every time. It’s embarrassing.

JV: So, you’re at friends’ for dinner...

Francis: Yes?

JV: What will he do?

Francis: ‘Oh can I just take a little bit home for Lou-Lou?’

JV: (laughs)

Francis: And we’ve got to the stage where we carry little zip lock bags.

JV: Oh you’ve got little zip lock bags ready to go? Wow.

Francis: And the kids say ‘Dad, don’t do that’ but no, Lou-lou’s got to have it.

JV: Lou-Lou’s got to have a little bit...and so, you’re saying Lou-Lou knows when you’ve gone out that there’ll be a little meaty treat?

Francis: Definitely! She’s waiting at the laundry door. And it can’t be a big bit. It’s got to be a little bit and he breaks it all up for her.

JV: Oh, that’s lovely really isn’t it?

Francis: Oh she’s a great big, fat, spoilt, jack russel.

JV: A fat jack russel. So it’s like a little barrel?

Francis: It is a barrel. It’s got the tiniest little head and a big round body.

JV: Yeah...I get the feeling you don’t like Lou-Lou that much Francis.

Francis: I love Lou-lou. She doesn’t need all these itty bitty bits all the time.

JV: So is it these itty bitty bits, these post dinner treats that have stacked the weight on Lou-lou?

Francis: Definitely. She will be in bed – my husband’s bed – he will go up to the kitchen and have his breakfast, and he’ll come down with ‘oh just a few’ and he’ll have a handful of meaty bites.

JV: Handful of meaty bites just for Lou-Lou.

Francis: Just for Lou-lou.

JV: Does he realise he’s killing her with kindness?

Francis: I keep telling him that. He took it into the vet because it had lumps on its legs...

JV: Mm.

Francis:...and he came out and said ‘oh there’s nothing wrong, apparently when they put on weight they put these lumps on their legs.’

JV: Right, yeah that’s an interesting way of putting it, isn’t it? Rather than, for example, ‘she’s got to lose some weight.’

Francis: Yes.

JV: Can I point out we’re talking about a dog here, if you’re just joining in.

Francis: Lou- Lou Leigh.

JV: Lou-lou the over-pampered jack russel.

Francis: Yes.

JV: What about fine dining? If you’re out at a lovely restaurant for your anniversary?

Francis: Oh yeah, it’ll be wrapped up in a serviette and in my handbag.

JV: Mm. So he’ll say to the waiter ‘excuse me can you just put this...and there it’s awkward because it’s probably not enough to suggest that you’re taking it home as take away, it’s just a little bit.

Francis: Well I get worried that they think we’re taking it home to test it and see if it’s alright.

JV: Yes.

Francis: So it gets secreted in my handbag. 

JV: So would he just pick it up off the plate?

Francis: He’ll take it off the plate

JV: Nice.

Francis: He’ll get his salad sandwich and he’s always got to have a bit of ham in it. It might be the tiniest piece but he’s got to bring it home for Lou-lou.

JV: Ah dear, well look it’s not such a bad one I suppose. It seems like Lou-lou is really the worse off here.

Francis: She’s just absolutely spoilt.

JV: Yeah, Francis thanks for that. Nice to talk to you and I hope...do you feel better Francis?

Francis: I certainly do. I’ll tell him I’ve been talking to you about it.

The Onsie Phenomenon

JV: What do you live with Melissa?

Melissa: James, my husband came home earlier this week with a gift for me and it was a onsie.

JV: Wow.

Melissa: And I have to blame 702 for this actually because we both heard somebody talking about it on either your program or the Glover program earlier in the week. I, at the time, thought ‘oh how horrible.’ He must have thought ‘that’s a great thing for my wife because she’s always cold. He came home with it on Tuesday or Wednesday night and I was horrified James. It’s white and fluffy.

JV: What does it look like?

Melissa: James, I can’t describe it without laughing. It’s got a hood with little ears on it and a zipper that has little pom-pom things attached and it’s white and fluffy.

JV: And is it decorated in any way, like has it got rabbits on it or...?

Melissa: Oh it’s meant to look like a rabbit I think, with the ears on top of the hood.

JV: Oh it’s got rabbit ears on top of the hood?

Melissa: Yes!

JV: Wow.

Melissa: I’m horrified.

JV: Yeah.

Melissa: But my husband seems a bit insulted that I’m not thrilled at the effort that he went to.

JV: Gee, that’s difficult. So, is it one of those difficult ones where he feels as though...he’s hurt because here he’s thought about you and he’s got you something that he thinks will be really great, and then you’re looking at him going ‘how did you ever think that I would be someone who would like a onesie?’

Melissa: That’s exactly right. I mean there are standards, even at home.

JV: Mm. How long have you been together?

Melissa: Oh, we’ve been married almost 17 years.

JV: Going on to 20 years and suddenly the whole thing is in question really. You’re going ‘you obviously don’t know me at all.’

Melissa: Well, it has crossed my mind.

JV: Wow.

Melissa: We’ve had lots of discussion and more than a few laughs about this thing but I just...I don’t understand how that could be found to be an acceptable dress.

JV: Have you put it on?

Melissa: I had to.

JV: You had to put it on and you didn’t suddenly go ‘oh, I’m so cosy’? Like, I think last night was chilly wasn’t it? Did you try it last night when it was really chilly?

Melissa: The night before was chilly enough. And James, I don’t meant to be snobbish here, but it’s completely synthetic.

JV: Right.

Melissa: It’s not warm at all. It generates static electricity when you walk around.

JV: A cashmere onesie might have been more acceptable?

Melissa: He’s talking about that as an alternative and I’ve just tried to say y’know... He says ‘I’ll get you a posh onsie,’ and I said ‘that’s an oxymoron.’

JV: I don’t know if you can get the tailored Italian merino onsie quite yet.

Melissa: The Italians would never make this.

 

****

 

JV: Hello Kerri?

Kerri: Yes James?

 

JV: What did your husband buy you?

 

Kerri: He bought me a onsie and laid it out on the bed. It was a cub, like a lion cub.

JV: Your husband bought you a lion cub onsie? You came home and there was this lion cub suit?

Kerri: I was saying how chilly it was and how I get cold and there it was. Fleece, the same as the other poor lady had to endure. I can’t begin to tell you where it ends up.

JV: Please do.

Kerri: You turn and twist and it goes in places it shouldn’t go.

JV: (laughs)

Kerri: And it’s hideous. Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. It’s hideous.

JV: It’s hideous and...is this a sort of...is it like a kinky thing?

Kerri: No, it’s a bit past that.

JV: But what’s with the husband’s buying the animal onsies for the Mrs?

Kerri: I think they think they’re being kind and just listening to you for once, but I wish he’d listen to me every time he criticises the Bold and the Beautiful.

JV: So, you said ‘I’m a bit cold,’ he buys you a lion cub onesie...are you in the same position as Melissa? ‘Really, you thought I was the kind of person who’d like a lion cub onsie?’

Kerri: I was speechless. I was speechless. I just looked at this thing. He said ‘if you don’t like it, you can cut the head off.’ I was nearly going to cut his off James.

JV: (laughs)

Kerri: I’ve got to go. I’ve got to pick up the kids. Nice to hear your program. Bye.

Spare the Sponges

 

JV: What do you live with John?

John: Well my lovely wife has a sponge...I don’t want to call it a fetish but...when she goes to the grocery store she brings back a dozen or more sponges each time. You know the thin ones that are in the pack? There’s a green, a red, a yellow and a blue.

JV: Mm.

John: So she’ll bring bunches of those home and store them underneath the sink. That’s fine, but she has a different purpose she wants me to use each one for and she has a chart above the sink to tell me which items I’m allowed to clean up with which sponge. She’s laminated it.

JV: Wow. There’s a laminated chart referring to ‘red sponge = kitchen bench.’

John: Well, yeah. Red sponge = benches and tables.

JV: That does seem extreme to me.

John: Kitchen floors is blue.

JV: Yeah.

John: Hands and face is yellow.

JV: Gee. How long do these sponges last? Are they changed every week?

John: Well, I’ll use them two, three, maybe eight times and she’ll do the opposite. She’ll see there’s a bit of discolouration, throw it out, and there’s a brand new one. Especially with the green, which is bathroom surfaces. They don’t last long at all.

JV: And have you tried to talk about the overuse of sponge? The pressure on the sponge population of the world?

John: Well that’s it! I think we’re using more than our share, in this age of share it round, because you can’t donate them y’know? No one will take the ones you’ve used.

JV: I think we’re just talking landfill. Do they degrade quickly? I don’t know.

John: That’s a good point. And what are you actually throwing in landfill with them? What’s caught up in all that sponge that I would normally have just rinsed out?

JV: How much trouble do you get into when you use wrong sponge on wrong surface?

John: (laughs) A short, sharp look. It’s a stern one.

JV: Oh, I hate that look.

John: And maybe an uh-uh-uh-uh!

JV: Oh you get the uh-uh-uh!

John: It’ll stop you in your tracks and then you’ll slowly put that one down. Step away from the yellow sponge and grab the red one.

JV: Wow. John, are there children subjected to this regime?

John: Well, yes, but they get a little bit of leeway. As they get older they’re going to be under the same regime as I am and I don’t see why not, if I have to do it.

JV: Exactly. It’ll be one of the first things that they learn. I’m hoping at show and tell they’ll take the full range of sponges in.

John: And a copy of the chart! Which I’m about to post on your Facebook.

JV: If you would. Thank you.

Warmth Wanted

JV: Hello there Paul, what do you live with?

Paul: Good afternoon James. My wife is very cold blooded. She’s got cold hands, a cold nose, cold feet, and when she hops into bed I’m the complete opposite. I’ve got warm feet, warm hands, and she’s always wanting to nick my warmth. It’s a case of...well I’ll share it a little bit but I don’t want to get freezing cold by her taking all my warmth.

JV: Wow. So she can actually suck the warmth out of you?

Paul: Just about...and I worked hard to get that warmth y’know?

JV: I would have thought the warmth would be constantly replenished. You know, that you’d be a warmth generator.

Paul: Yeah well I feel like I’ve got to do that at times just to balance her coldness. I’ll often put the electric blanket on, just on her side of the bed, to try and warm up that side but that’s still not enough. She’s still wanting my warmth.

JV: Right so it’s the extremities, it’s circulation and these freezing cold hands...they creep around you?

Paul: Yeah they creep around me and it’s like a block of ice coming onto you. Like, her feet are coming out of ugg boots so they’re coming out of a warm boot but she’s just got poor circulation.

JV: Have you tried the onesie?

Paul: What’s a onesie?

JV: It’s basically baby clothes, like when a baby’s just in the one thing with feet all enclosed.

Paul: Yeah?

JV: You can get them in adult sizes now.

Paul: Ah! I might investigate that. I’m happy to investigate anything.

JV: Well the onesie could be the trick there. Otherwise, is it not affectionate?

Paul: Oh it’s affectionate. We cuddle and everything in bed but I usually wait until she’s a little bit warmed up because it’s not all that exciting when you’re touching a block of ice.

We've got you pegged

JV: Natalie, what do you live with?

Natalie:  I live with a husband who hangs the clothes out for me, which is lovely, but he must colour co-ordinate the peg with the item of clothing he is hanging up.

JV: Yes...

Natalie: So much so that when Aldi put out some pegs that were pink and green, he was very excited about that.

*audience laughs*

JV: What had been his solution before if he had to put up pink or green clothes?

Natalie: He’d get close, he’d put up red pegs, green would have blue pegs.

JV: This isn’t uncommon Natalie. The various hanging out clothes habits are the colour coordinating pegs to clothes; there are those who have to put the sheets on the outside, working back to underwear in the middle if they have the hills hoist type line; there are those who can only use the one colour peg, all the pegs have to be red for example. So there are a few who have these issues.

Natalie: He tells me I shouldn't iron clothes... that I spend too much time ironing clothes, but I wonder how much time is spent choosing the right colour peg?

JV: Oh right, yeah... I don’t know, I like to imagine he has like a tool kit that he hangs with the pegs already sorted ready to go.

Natalie: No, he has to search for the peg. Finding the right colour peg takes time.

Psycho Shower Scene

This episode of This Is What I Live With took place in front of a live audience at the Sydney Writers' Festival.

 

JV: Yes, over here, what's your name?

Sandra: I'm Sandra.

JV: Hello Sandra.

Sandra: I may be divorced by the end of this.

JV: Right.

Sandra: My dear husband does what I refer to as ‘the slap dance’ in the shower.

JV: The slap dance? Okay, what is the shower slap dance?

Sandra: Well it’s a bit like Morris dancing in a cubicle I guess.

*audience laughs*

JV: Oh, so he’s in the shower slapping his thighs.

Sandra: In the shower humming *slaps her thighs in demonstration*

JV: Well that sounds like a very happy moment.

Sandra: Mmhmm.

JV: Why do you find it irritating?

Sandra: Well, we’re trying to economise on the water we use in the shower...

JV: Right.

Sandra: ...and a 20 minute dance doesn’t help.

JV: No. So it’s 20 minutes worth of dancing. Is it also loud and intrusive?

Sandra: I can hear it from anywhere in the house.

JV: Anywhere in the house? A daily occurrence?

Sandra: Oh yeah!

JV: Every shower has the slap dance?

Sandra: Every shower!

JV: Well look, oddly enough dear husband is here with us. Hello dear husband!

*audience applauds*

JV: Hello, what’s your name?

Fred: Fred.

JV: Hello Fred.

Fred: How dare she! A man’s time in the shower is a personal private moment.

JV: That’s what I would’ve thought.

Fred: It’s where we contemplate the big ideas of the day and work out how we’re going to proceed with tomorrow.

JV: Mm and the slap dance helps with that?

Fred: There’s no dancing. I’m a latent drummer. The only skin I’ve got is on my thighs.

JV: Right...okay.

Fred: So I tap them out and I tap my little tunes and so forth.

JV: That sounds lovely.

Fred: Yes.

JV: So, in your mind, what are you doing? She’s seeing it as sort of a soggy Morris dance. What are you doing?

Fred: I’m getting myself in a good mood to face her again.

*audience erupts*

JV: Musically you’re a latent drummer so what sort of thing...are you doing a Morris dance there or what?

Fred: Well I’m just doing a... *slaps his legs* ...That sort of thing.

JV: Bit of a rhythm. Bit of a groove.

Fred: I didn’t plan to share this with you all here this afternoon.

JV: No, but we’re very glad that you did. Is it 20 minutes?

Fred: No...No...Just until the hot water runs out.

JV: Yeah, well that’s alright. Now, were you aware that Sandra wasn’t happy with the soggy Morris dance?

Fred: Oh she tells me about it frequently but how can she hear me from downstairs in the kitchen? She’s supposed to be cooking the dinner.

JV: Yeah exactly. Why isn’t she concentrating on what she’s doing instead of worrying about what you’re up to? Sandra, now that you’ve heard that Fred does this in order to fill his day with joy, it’s one of the few pleasures left to him, and in order that he can face you again, do you want him to stop?

Sandra: Oh...my...God...

*audience laughs*

JV: Right, you do want him to stop? You’d like him to stop doing it?

Sandra: Well I would actually, yeah, but I don’t think it’s going to happen.

JV: Fred, you’re aware now that Sandra finds this enormously irritating. Can you stop?

Fred: Well it puts a bit of difference between us and we’re at arm’s length for a little while but we make up rather specially.

JV: Oh! Well, we might leave you at that point. I don’t know that we need to follow the making up but Fred and Sandra thank you so much. Thank you for sharing that in absolutely riveting detail.